I do not want to make this another blog about a celebrity that has taken their own life. But I will say this: Robin Williams's death shook me. Depression and suicide are very personal topics for me to discuss. The problem is that no one wants to discuss it, especially when someone close to them deals with it everyday.
I have lost a handful of people to suicide. It's hard enough losing someone, but it's even harder trying to explain a death when one takes their own life, and try to make it sound as peaceful as possible.
I have suffered from depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. I was put on a variety of different pills several years ago and it's a tough battle on some days.
Here is the part where I will say, some may think that people with mental illnesses or other similar issues are crying out for attention. But this is probably one of the hardest things I will write, because of that. I wish this wasn't ever an issue to discuss, but it is. I'm sorry if anyone feels that mental illness is something to run away from, ignore, laugh at, make light of, or scoff over. It is not.
My best friend saved my life several years ago. She may not think about it anymore, or even think that it was a big deal, but it was to me. (Thank you, Erica.) I was living alone, was about to lose my job, my housing, and possibly schooling. I was alone with my thoughts and I could tell that even my co-workers were beginning to get concerned about me. I will not go into details, but I will say that if my friend was not around, I fear that I wouldn't be here today. She was my wake up call. After that day, I stopped taking any pills that I had (even the Xanax, which helped with panic attacks) and tried to make a conscious choice to continue on my journey.
No, I wasn't immediately healed or felt better or anything of the sort. This is where people get the terms "depression" and "sadness" mixed up. Clinical Depression is something that most people live with their entire lives. Medication and treatment usually helps most who are suffering.
"What are you depressed about?"
Nothing and everything at the same time. This question is the reason I stopped talking about it (until now). When I am sad, it's because my father passed away. Or my mother is sick. Or a friend is injured. Depression is when simple tasks (taking out the garbage, doing the dishes, even just getting up) become an every day battle and feels like you're trying to lift 500 lbs. It feels impossible. Mentally and physically exhausting and impossible. Of course, the bigger issues don't help at all.
"But he/she always seemed so happy!"
It's called a Mask. Everyone wears one at some point. Do you wear your best "Customer Service" work mask in the comfort of your own home? Probably not. (If so, then... Wow. That's all I got.)
"But there are others out there that have it SOOOO much worse than you!"
I never said that there weren't. In fact, no one did. But I never made an underhanded, shitty comment like that to you when, say, the manicurist messed up your acrylic nails. Or when you complained about your boyfriend being five minutes late. When you mentioned that your co-worker/friend/acquaintance passed away, I did not remind you that SOME people have lost their whole families and that you should be grateful.
No. That's not how compassion works. It doesn't matter who you are; if you're hurting, you should be able to reach out to someone and not feel ashamed. And yes, others have it much worse, but that doesn't mean that my pain and your pain doesn't hurt.
I was thinking a few days ago about what someone could say to someone if they caught them about to commit suicide. What do you say to America's Funny Man? What would help me if I were again in that position? What if I walked in on someone about to, knowing the types of thoughts that were probably going through their heads?
Rather than begging them not to do it, or even telling them that they have so much to live for, I could only think of two words:
"Not today."
Just.... not today. Live it out for one more day and tomorrow we will talk about it again. I will again tell you: Not today.
It's a process. Day by day. Just.... please, not today.
About Depression: http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Section=depression
Suicide Prevention and Hotline: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Help for Veterans: http://veteranscrisisline.net/
Help for LGBTQ Youth: http://www.thetrevorproject.org/
Several years after my darkest hours, I am happily married and living in a new city. I ended up doing something for me - I packed up and moved out. Because I could. And it was the best decision of my life.
I still have dark moments - that hasn't gone away. Family of any sort helps tremendously. But what keeps me going is my husband and our German Shepherd. I have something to come home to, something to look forward to, a purpose.
Reach out to those you love. If you've read this far, I thank you. And I love you <3 And... today I live on. So should you.
Neena Thurman is a reader, writer/blogger, chess player and soon-to-be Environmental Engineering student (again!). She's an assistant manager at a local art house theatre and lives at home with her husband, Niko and their goofy dog, Athena.
